This trip has definitely been something. I’m not sure if there’s anything to really describe it. Without wanting to go into too much detail, it had its ups and downs. It had its times when I was having the time of my life, and times where I wish I was anywhere else. Was the experience worth it? Yeah. But probably not for the reasons one might think.
If you’ve talked to me at all in the last week, you’ve probably witnessed or at least heard of my mental breakdowns I’ve been having over college. Just read my last post and you can pretty much get a gist of how unstable I’ve been. The one problem that I can’t seem to get over is whether or not I’m ready to move out and become independent; whether or not I’ll be able to face being away from home for an extended period of time. And I’m kind of shameful to say this, but if there is anything this experience has taught me, it’s that I am definitely not.
I definitely did not expect to get as homesick as I thought I would be when I first booked this trip. I mean, one week? That’s nothing. And it was spring break anyway, so I might as well just take a vacation. But man, this week has been one of the toughest I’ve ever had to endure. Maybe it’s the unbearable heat, or the dozens of freakin mosquitos everywhere, but while it was really cool to be able to go rock climbing and boating and horseback riding, I spent too much time worrying about other things and being home sick to be enjoying most of it.
So that’s what got me thinking. If I can’t stand one week being away from friends and family, how am I going to stand 4 years away from them? I can’t really. I’m far from making my final decision. Still really far away. I’ll make my decision when I’m able to visit both campuses (CSULB and USF) next week, but until then, I’m still far from deciding. But if there’s one thing this vacation has had any kind of effect on my decision, it has certainly pushed me towards one and pushed me against the other. I’ve been toying with the idea of moving away to a new city, getting to meet new people, seeing new places, having to learn an entirely different lifestyle. But I’ve also been contemplating staying local. I mean it’s certainly the easiest solution to my problem. It’s the cheapest, I’ll maintain connections with most of my old friends, I’ll still be attending a great school, and I won’t be knee-deep in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt by the time I’m 25. But all in all, am I really ready to take that leap of faith and move out? This trip hasn’t given me a definitive answer, but it has certainly pushed me a lot closer towards one.
Well, it’s my last night her in the Philippines. In 11 short hours from now, I’ll be on a 13 hour flight back to LAX. I really couldn’t think of a more unique way to spend my Spring Break other than being here in the Philippines. In the end, can I say this trip affected me in a positive way? Yes, I can. Maybe not in the ways that I exactly expected, but it did change me in and put me in the right direction.
All That - The Inconvenience Store
"i’m gonna go see my man. remember the one who got tired of you stomping on his feet at the club so he found a girl who could dance" O M F G SHADE GOALS
I’m running out of time. May 1. That’s the day. That’s the day my entire life is going to change. I’ll decide once and for all the university I will be attending this upcoming fall.
So day one of my little mini vacation here in the homeland is officially over. Did I get here safe? Yup. Did I see get to see a lot of amazing sightseeing places? Heck yeah. Was I able to experience brand new things I would have never thought I would be able to prior to this? Of course! Did I enjoy a single minute of it? Hell-freaking-no. And that’s what pisses me off. I can’t enjoy a single minute of this because of how swamped I am. And you know what really sucks? I have no one else to blame but myself. This is all on me that I’ve prolonged this decision for so long. I mean, God. What the hell is wrong with me. In a foreign country, new culture, new surroundings, new adventures to be immersed in. And I can’t keep my head in one place. I keep preventing myself from “living in the moment” like I’ve always told others to do.
I’ve put off this decision literally for the longest you can possibly put it. The SIR (student intent to register) is due in just a few weeks and I haven’t visited a single one of the schools that are my top prospects. I know, I should just slap myself. Trust me, I have. Countless times. It wasn’t until just yesterday that I started to book my plane ticket to go visit San Francisco this upcoming weekend. Terrible, right? I’m on Spring Break chillin in my hotel room in the Philippines trying to enjoy myself, and I’ve already booked my plane ticket to get the hell out of here as soon as possible.
I don’t know why I’ve put this off for so long. Wait…actually, yes I do. I don’t want to grow up. That’s it. I don’t want to accept the fact that I’m going to be a freakin adult. I’m moving out and getting a place of my own. I’m trying desperately to enjoy my Spring Break here. I haven’t seen some of my family in years, and Lord knows I’m not seeing these people again long until after I graduate. And I only have one week here, and my first day here, I rush to my hotel room and start doing the research I should have been doing months, maybe even years ago.
I’ve talked to my parents. They’re not only willing, but they’re actually happy to support my dream of going to the university of my choosing, both emotionally and financially. Perfect scenario right? I mean, I got into the school of my dreams and my parents are more than willing to fork over the bill for the next 4-5 years or so. What else is there left? Well, that’s the thing. I actually don’t know. Everything fits so perfectly into place, right? Why can’t I just hit the SIR already? I should have hit it the minute I got my acceptance letter. But I… I just can’t for some reason. Not yet. What the hell is holding me back? I have no fucking clue. Seriously. And I’m scared. I’m scared that I will run out of time, and it’s going to be too late.
I’m running out of time. The clock keeps ticking and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve got to make a decision. And I’ve got to make it soon, before it’s too late.
"We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to…"
That’s all it takes. You don’t even have to really finish that sentence. Almost every high school senior who is applying to college knows exactly where this sentence is going. It’s words that impact you as deep as it can possibly get, because you know deep down how much you truly want something that the universe just isn’t letting you have. Well, not yet, at least.
I finally built up the courage to open up the admissions portal from my dream school this afternoon. Clearly, it wasn’t quite what I was hoping to read, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing any of this in the first place. I don’t remember the last time I had such a mental breakdown. It was slow, at first. I didn’t really truly feel the blow until I took some time to slow down and take in the words written in my carefully crafted rejection letter. As I began to think more about it, the more pain that stared to build up. Until I seriously just couldn’t take it anymore. Having to excuse yourself midway through a conversation with someone just so you can have some time to yourself to step outside and let out a few tears probably wasn’t the best way to handle my situation, but I wasn’t really sure what else I could do.,
But what really surprised me was the overwhelming amount of support I received from all around me. People that I hardly talked to, people that I’m not even sure I’ve ever had a full conversation with, like EVER, were coming up to me, telling me how amazingly successful I will be, wherever I choose to go. Cliche words, sure, but just hearing them really did help uplift me out of the hell hole I was in. It’s times like these where you truly know who your real friends are. Who has truly been there for you and will do anything to have your back. And I’m incredibly grateful to say I was surrounded by so many of them today. I’m not sure what I would do without their backing. I guess the only person that truly didn’t believe in myself and my accomplishments and my successful future, was me.
So what do I do now? What does this mean for me? I’ve just about cried out everything I could and now I’ve had some time to think about it. Am I still upset about it? Hell fucking yeah. But I know I’ll be okay eventually. Like some very wise friends of mine have taught me, I just have to keep my head up. Because that’s all I can do from this point forward. Move on. What’s done is done and all I can do now is make the best out of what I was given. I am going to college. I will be successful. I just have to keep telling myself that, no matter where I end up going. Where exactly am I going? No freakin clue. But that’s what I’m excited about. I don’t know where I’ll end up in a few years. Hell, I don’t know where I’ll end up in 4 months. Where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. But wherever I’m at and whoever ends up at my side, I know that I’ll be making the best out of my decision.
So what happens now. I face reality. I’m not going to the school that I thought I would be going to. High school is ending for me and I’m moving away for college. I’m leaving my friends, my family, and finding a new life. The time has come. And it’s now or never. I will keep my head up and refuse to back down. No more tears, no more feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to college. I will be successful. That is the promise I’m making for myself.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I don’t usually post sappy, emotional things on tumblr anymore. Hell, I hardly post at all. But now that this year is over and 2014 is right around the corner, I have been feeling a weird mix of grief and nostalgia for the longest time. It might have been because I’ve been woefully sick the past week and I’ve had way too much time to myself to think, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling.
I know how excited everyone is about 2014. I hear it left and right, on tumblr, facebook, twitter. I even heard one of my neighbors blabbing on about this “new” person she is going to be to one of her friends on the phone through my bedroom window. Granted, I’m excited too. I am a senior, and this will be my graduating year. I have a lot to be excited about. But 2013 was such a life-changing year for me, I can’t help but let it go.
The experiences I’ve shared, the new opportunities I’ve been blessed with, and most importantly, the people I have met are all things I will carry with me for the rest of my life. And soon, that’s all they are going to be. Just memories. I suppose that’s why I feel so sad right now. I can’t help but let go.
2013 taught me about what it’s truly like to be independent. To be able to go out and explore places I wasn’t even sure existed. To be pushed out of your comfort zone and do something that no one would ever expect. 2013 taught me about the value of friendship. That it’s okay to trust others again. That it’s okay to let yourself go and just have a crazy, stupid time with the people you love, even if it means looking like a complete idiot. 2013 taught me that there is a world out there to explore, but the extent of it is completely up to your own imagination.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I can honestly say that this year has changed my life, and if I could live it all over again, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I know that’s not the healthy thing to do. When it’s time to move on, you have to move on. And I guess that’s what I keep telling myself. In 6 short months, I will be stepping onto a big stage with a maroon cap and gown, waving proudly at my parents from the stands, and receiving the high school diploma that I have worked 17 long years for. In 7 months, I will be leaving for college. Where? I don’t know yet. Not even a clue. But no matter where I end up, I know that the time will come for me to pack up my things, load all of my personal possessions into crammed boxes into my car, and have to wave goodbye to my parents as I slowly back out of the driveway. I’ll have to say goodbye to some of my best friends.It won’t be goodbye forever, I will still see them often from time to time, but things will never be the same. When all this comes, there is no doubt, I’ll be feeling the same way then as I am now. Nostalgia. But when that time comes, just like right now, I’m gonna have to keep going. Life doesn’t stop for you. It’s up to you to keep up with it.
As much as I am excited for 2014, I can’t help but look back on 2013 with a huge smile on my face. Every second has been a roller coaster, and the memories I’ve shared have been priceless. But now, they’re all memories. And it’s time for me to move on and go make new ones.
What I’m thankful for: every Thanksgiving, I always say the same old thing. “I’m grateful for friends, family, food, etc…” so much so, that the words have actually lost its meaning recently. But this holiday season, I have never meant it more than I have now. I can truly say I am grateful for the amazing people I have gotten the opportunity to meet this year. The adventures, the journeys, all of the amazing experiences, are all things I’ll take with me for the rest of my life. And I have so many people to thank that for. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Stay safe and have fun out there. ☺ 🍂🍃🍁 #simpoclock
oh fuck no.
HELL TO THE NAW MOTHAFUCKAZ
Ahaha that looks so cool, I’d be like WAIT COME BACK!!
fuck that son i’d be out
This is actually really funny if you think about it. I mean, there was totally some sort of ghost or demon about to kill her but then that sheet blew straight into its face and it was so embarrassed that it decided to disappear.
Tremble, mortal, for I am Zerendikos, and I will drag your howling soul to—
AH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS IT’S ALL OVER MY FACE
WHAT IS THAT SMELL
IS THAT FUCKING FEBREEZE
FUCK DAMMIT SHIT FORGET THIS I’M OUT
I won’t take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.
y’know, you probably just made tons of songs seem completely pointless.